7 Crucial Rules for Dating Your Friend's Ex

Lots of people have told me unequivocally that they would never date a friend's ex. They wholeheartedly believe that it's wrong, disrespectful, and if a friend did that to them, they'd never talk to that person again. They believe this is something everybody knows, that they're just following the rules.

What I've noticed, though, is that every person I've heard espouse this

worldview was straight. This rule is almost never stated or enforced among queer communities. If you're gay, you will almost inevitably date a friend's ex at some point. Queer communities are often small and insular, and once you've found one, you tend to hold on to it for dear life. It's difficult to meet people you're romantically interested in beyond an already-defined circle, and outside of your city's queer scene, most people you run into are likely to be straight. Even if you meet someone to whom you think you have no previous connection, a 10-minute conversation almost always reveals that she went to high school with your college roommate, used to be on a volleyball team with that girl from your book club, and had a six-month stand with your favorite barista.

Queers don't tend to expect our dates to come into our lives completely free of prior complication. We know our backstories will be tangled and intertwined. I can count the degrees of hookup separation between my closest friends and myself, and usually come up with no more than two or three. In fact, when we met, my now-partner was on a date with my best friend. They dated casually for a few weeks before they split up and we got together, and three years later the same friend gave one of the readings at our wedding.

Whether you're gay, straight, bi, or not into labels, dating a friend's ex can absolutely be done without sacrificing your friendship — you just have to follow a few simple guidelines.

1. Don't gossip. It's common to assume that anything shared with you is by default shared with your partner as well; however, your friend might be much less comfortable speaking to you in confidence if she thought the details of her personal life were going to be relayed to someone who used to share her toothbrush. (I'm going to use female pronouns for your friend, and male pronouns for your sweetie, for the sake of simplicity; however, every rule here applies no matter the genders of the participants.) Keep your friend's secrets. The reverse is also true; no matter how much you love discussing your dude with your besties, his ex can probably live without hearing the details of his current sex life. Save it for your diary or for anyone who didn't date him.

2. Don't trash talk. It's OK to come to your partner for advice if you're arguing with your friend, or vice versa, but absolutely resist the urge to belittle or insult one of them to the other. This can be extremely tempting if they ended on bad terms and you know you'll find a sympathetic ear. However, in order to maintain a healthy relationship with both of them, it's crucial that you never seem even a little like you're taking sides in their breakup or casting either one as the bad guy, even months or years after the fact. If you need to vent about one of them, find a neutral party.

3. Respect boundaries without making assumptions. For instance, if your friend doesn't want to go to parties where her ex will be in attendance, don't pressure her. But don't assume she doesn't want an invite if you haven't asked! In general, allow your friend and your sweetheart to decide how much contact they want with each other, and don't push them to associate if they're not into it. Remember that you can love them both without them necessarily having to enjoy each other. This goes for friends and partners who haven't dated, too, now that I think of it. Set aside time for each of them and honor it — don't drag your lover along on girls' night out (not even if your lover is a lady; queer chicks are so badabout this), and don't invite your friend to what was supposed to be a romantic dinner at home.

4. No comparisons. Don't ask your man if you're prettier/smarter/better at Scrabble than his last girlfriend. Don't do this ever, but especially not if his last girlfriend is the person you're going rock climbing with Sunday. No matter what his answer is, it's going to make things weird. Besides, comparing yourself to anybody — even if you come out ahead — is always going to lead to feeling crappy, because basing your self-esteem on where you stand relative to someone else is Not Healthy. So don't seek out comparisons, and if your dude brings up the topic, tell him you're not interested in hearing it. You and your friend are not in competition, except when you're actually playing Scrabble.

5. Don't be paranoid. Don't try to keep your boyfriend and your bud from associating because you're afraid they still have feelings for each other, and don't constantly seek reassurance that that's not the case. Trust that your dude is with you because he likes you and you're awesome, not because he's biding his time until your friend takes him back. Trust that your friend is happy you've found someone you dig, not plotting to sabotage your love. And don't ever use jealousy or insecurity over their past relationship to excuse irrational or controlling behavior on your part. Of course, if your sweetie gives you a legitimate reason to believe he's untrustworthy, get out of there stat, but if there's really nothing wrong, don't create problems where none exist.

6. Don't pry into their relationship. It may be tempting ask your friend to analyze what happened between the two of them so that you can avoid making the same mistakes, but resist that urge. Likewise, don't grill your boyfriend on what went wrong or insist that he account for his behavior throughout the entire time they dated. Their relationship is between them; it's not your cautionary tale or your soap opera. If they choose to share details with you, that's fine — you don't need to stick your fingers in your ears, unless an overt comparison is being made (see No. 4) — but don't push. Your relationship and theirs are separate things, and you don't need to know anything they don't care to tell you.

7. Recognize that some exes really are off-limits. It's easier, of course, to have hard-line rules — "exes are never OK" versus "exes are totally fine" — but that's not the world we live in. If someone seriously mistreated your friend (we're talking emotional or physical abuse, infidelity, lying, stealing, etc.), don't date him, no matter how awesome his butt looks in jeans. This has nothing to do with some kind of Eternal Dibs situation, and everything to do with the fact that, by choosing to build a relationship with someone who treated her horribly, you're telling your friend you don't think what he did to her was all that bad. Just walk away. There are lots of people out there who are just as good in bed and haven't traumatized anyone you care about. Set the precedent that people who are awful to your friends are people who don't get to see you naked, and your life will be the better because of it.

Power of Appreciation

A while back a professor from an unknown university began reflecting on the people who had a positive impact on his life. In particular he remembered a schoolteacher who had gone out of her way to instill in him a love of poetry. He hadn't seen or spoken to her in many years and took a moment to remember the impact that she had on his life. He eventually located her address and sent her a letter of thanks. A short time later, he received this reply:

"I cannot tell you how much your letter meant to me. I am in my eighties, living alone in a small room, cooking my own meals, lonely, and, like the last leaf of autumn, lingering behind. You will be interested to know that I taught school for 50 years and yours is the first note of appreciation I ever received. It came on a cold morning, and it cheered me as nothing has in many years."

The words that were written back to the professor brightened his day and had clearly warmed the life of the teacher that had once had such an impact on his life.



We never know who we are "touching" in our lives. We can say one word or maybe a short conversation with someone that can drastically alter their life. Have you ever thought about saying something to someone but decided in the moment to keep your words to yourself cause they might think you're weird?

Maybe you could have made a difference for them.

I have talked with many people about the social dynamics of how we all have a profound effect on each other but don't always (if ever) get recognized for our efforts.

The best way to brighten someones day is to always be in a positive mood and have a positive outlook on life. Think about the good attributes that others in your life bring to the table and focus on those things that bring joy to others.


My suggestion to you is to appreciate someone today. Think of someone who has had a positive impact on your life and send them a heartfelt thank you or appreciation card today. Dig up their address and mail them a greeting card letting them know how they have touched their life. In giving to them, you will not only be brightening their day, but you will be rewarded too.

Ways to Make Your Long Distance Relationship Work For Both of You

A long distance relationship seems to be the most difficult to endure. You and your partner are in two completely different places and it's hard for you to watch each other and see each other. The only way to make kind of relationship work is really to be with someone you do not just love, but trust.



Long distance relationships can't work if both people involved in the relationship do not trust each other. This can lead to uncertainty, unnecessary charges, and needless arguments, which could be more damaging than it would be rewarding. If you really love someone, no matter how far away from they are from you, you should love and trust them to ensure your heart and remain true. Loyalty is one issue that is more concerned about in a long distance relationships, and if you and your partner do not trust each other, there is no reason for you to try to maintain the relationship. Even if you do not have a long distance relationship, if you do not trust the person you love, why would you want to be with them?

The relationship can work. It takes greater strength and much more love to accomplish this because the long distance relationship is the most difficult relationship to maintain. Distance plays a major role in the relationship. Because of the space, partners tend to become weary of the others honesty and fidelity. This is where the trust issues start to begin. Try and communicate with each other as often as you can. You want to try to show your partner that you love them and care about them, no matter how much time and space is between the two of you and more importantly, you must show them that you can be trusted. Nobody wants to feel that because they are away from their boyfriend or girlfriend that they are being cheating on. Nobody deserves to be deceived, period.


If you can prove to the person that you're in a relationship with that you are trustworthy, loyal, and that you really care and love them, you can create a long distance relationship that functions identical to one that is as close as the two living in the same home. At the end of the day it is more rewarding to always be open and honest in any relationship, especially if this person is someone you intend to spend the rest of you life with.

Discover How To Save Your Relationship After Cheating

Anytime either partner cheats it may well damage a martial relationship. An extra-marital affair is often a heart stopping & humiliating predicament for both the couple & implies the collapse of lasting love and marriage. The most important platform of a typical partnership is trust and belief that could get destabilized because of the extra-marital romance.


It could play a role in the current relationship difficulties being experienced like clashes and animosity that, when exceed the limits, may result in separating. However, separating is definitely an agonizing and traumatic situation for both the partners so please, at all costs, make an attempt to save your relationships after cheating.

It is Typically Quite Uncomfortable

It can be very painful and hurting for you in the event you come to recognize that your spouse is definitely cheating you. But, don't get frustrated or freak out at these types of circumstances, remain relaxed and attempt to control the problem. Think of how you can cope with this situation and learn the strategies to save your relationships after cheating.

It is quite evident that you get angry with your companion, but relax and try to comprehend why your lover is cheating you. Typically, the reason for being unfaithful isn't that the companion that is fooling around doesn't have emotional feelings, however it may be due to his/her physiological need. In these types of situations, you can grab the attention of your spouse using your strong affection.

Forgive & Forget Still Has Success

No matter what the reason for cheating, 'forgive and forget' is an important aspect to save your relationships after cheating. Once you discover that you've been deceived by your lover, speak with him/her about this openly and find out about his/her willingness to rescue the marriage and then try to fully grasp your partner's approach about it. Convey your feelings for your partner and make them realize just how much you want him/her. If you achieve a positive response from your companion, then try your hardest to forgive him/her.


If you're successful in creating a strong passion for one another, than the problem can be easily fixed. The key step you ought to adopt to save your relationships after cheating is to discover your drawbacks and errors. Try to make an undertaking to boost your personality and behavior and avoid doing the things by which your sweet heart gets hurt.

Think About a Vacation

Plan to go on vacation with your partner. Provide time for each other, enhance the interaction between you, try to find the variances between you and conquer them.

If you are the partner who's cheating, then you must equally chip in and make efforts in order to save the partnership. You need to swear to end this affair and be loyal with your partner. Your body language is important when you're saying 'sorry' to your lover.


Should your spouse is getting ready to forgive you and leave behind the anger, you should respond in an encouraging manner. It's adviseable to convey deep adoration for your companion and try to make them understand how much you want them and just how incomplete you are without them. This should do the job and you'll be able to reignite the love inside your partner's mind.

When both of you make the effort to save your relationships after cheating it just isn't so challenging, you will be successful in enhancing your romantic relationships permanently.